These Nuts

On a recent vacation to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, my travel companions and I saw a restaurant named Dirty Dick’s Crab House. The sign read, “I got crabs from Dirty Dick’s!” A conversation about the recent onslaught of bawdy and ribald humor in business ensued. Ben & Jerry’s just announced a new flavor, Schweddy Balls, that pays homage to a Saturday Night Live skit charged by sexual innuendo. Do not get me wrong, I can chuckle with the best of them at lewd, low-brow humor. When it comes to my food, though, I generally find that brand of comedy unappetizing. Nonetheless, I was drawn to Try My Nuts Nut Company because the name was too ridiculous to ignore. 

Cajun Peanuts Fried in the Shell

Despite the business’s risqué moniker and the cartoon peanut mascot that resembled scrota, I had high hopes for Try My Nuts. For one, I really wanted this shop to be wonderful because I love tree nuts and hoped to find an interesting new source. Secondly, the Sandler-loving side of me looked forward to telling friends that they had to try my nuts! Armed with my expectations, I journeyed to this shop. My expectations were by not unreasonable. I desired a wide variety of unique confections. I anticipated finding a product that made creative use of nuts in a way I had never experienced. In addition, I expected a plethora of options for in-store sampling. While driving to Florida, I once stopped at a nut shop that had dishes of every product in the store put out for customers to sample. I looked forward to the same set-up at Try My Nuts. I imagined this shop to be a delightful little mom-and-pop store with an authentic hand-crafted feel to it.   

Jalapeno Cheddar Peanuts

Alas, I was disappointed by the reality of Try My Nuts. What I found the most dissatisfying was that this store was more souvenir shop than purveyor of specialty nuts. With its haphazardly stocked shelves and the bins of gummy candies at the door's threshold, the shop was lacking in the old-school charm I so wanted it to possess. As I ventured deeper into the retail space, I was met by the owner, who thrust a miniature plastic waste-pail at me and commanded, “Try my nuts.” He opened the container and scooped out a few pieces of Dirty White Trash, white chocolate-coated snack mix with a dark chocolate drizzle.  It was tasty enough– the sharp saltiness of the pretzel sticks played nicely with the sweetness of the white chocolate. But it was off-putting to have samples shoved into my face with this seemingly suggestive demand. I found the double entendre hard to swallow. 

There were other collisions with this prevailing sophomoric humor. The shelves boasted cans of Butt Munch – barbecue-spiced peanuts – and Ass Kickin’ Cashews – cashews flavored with spicy habanero chiles. The owners certainly get points for their commitment to the theme. 

Colossal Pistachios

They do not get points, however, for having incomplete inventory. Because they are a local chain, I found this circumstance surprising. On the ride to Try My Nuts, I visited their website to get a feel for the shop. I was excited by the prospect of trying French Burnt Peanuts, a childhood favorite, and gourmet Corn Nuts. However, neither was to be found. The owner advised me that I would not locate most of the items from their internet site in the brick-and-mortar store.  

But I was thrilled with what I did find in the store – a candy counter that displayed a vast selection of handmade confections. There was Peanut Butter Fudge imbedded with chopped pieces of Reese’s cups (too sweet) and Caramel Fudge (yum). It was here that I encountered the most delicious chocolate turtle I have ever had. The case held Dark Chocolate Pecan Turtles, Cashew Turtles, and the classic Milk Chocolate Pecan Turtles. My life was changed, though, by the Macadamia Nut Turtle. The chewy caramel center was bathed in a creamy, satiny milk chocolate. The buttery crunch of the rich macadamias filled my mouth and then dissolved on my tongue with each bite. The combination was genius! 

Sweet and Spicy Cajun Mix

To contrast, the other items I tried from the store were dunces. The White Trash did not wear the dark chocolate drizzle that the Dirty White Trash did but tasted the same. The chocolate coating on the Milk Chocolate Covered Peanuts was waxy and of poor quality. The peanuts that it cloaked were not noteworthy. The Sweet and Spicy Cajun Mix was neither particularly sweet nor especially spicy. The one bright spot in this mixture was the presence of the corn nuts I had desired. They were unexceptional. On the other hand, the Cajun Peanuts Fried in the Shell were atomic! My taste buds were assassinated by the one peanut of that variety that I was able to digest. Butter Toasted Cashews were a pleasantly sweet mouthful but were lackluster and did not sing with flavor.  The Jalapeño Cheddar Peanuts were assertively salty but had a bright jalapeño bite at the finish. The cheddar flavor never showed up to the party, though. The Colossal Pistachios were unremarkable. They were the standard roasted, salted pistachio that one might find in the supermarket. Similarly, the Boston Baked Beans, with their sugary coating, proved to be more expensive versions of those that are available at most convenience stores. 

Boston Baked Beans

Overall, my impression of Try My Nuts was that it was souvenir shop that sold mass-produced products purchased from a large distributor. The bagged popcorn and bottles of novelty hot sauce reinforced this suspicion. Although the store’s name was titillating enough to get me to visit, the products were not good enough to keep me coming back. So, I caution you that if you want to visit Try My Nuts, go for the shtick, not for the nuts. 

Dissecting Frogmore Stew

I do not enjoy the fruits of the sea. Being from a family with a voracious appetite for seafood, I am an odd duck. My parents hail from coastal northern Florida and had fathers who were avid sports fishermen. A love of seafood has been coded into their DNA. Because I don’t eat seafood, I have always considered myself that Punnett square that possesses both recessive genes. However, I am willing try anything and I think it is paramount to my being able to write about food with authority. More importantly, however, I love to entertain. It is this love that drives me to consider options that my baser self beseeches me to avoid. To that end, I am a great fan of any meal that guests will find immensely impressive. 

And what’s more impressive than a bountiful array of steaming fresh seafood? People are wowed by the abundance and feel that you have spared no expense. Contrarily, you, the host, will know that it is much more cost-effective to serve this dinner than your guests suspect. They will be honored by your offering and, yet, they will feel at ease dining at a table covered in newspapers (which I HIGHLY recommend), eating with their hands. Your company will think you went to great lengths to show them your hospitality. But you will know this meal was one of the easiest that you have ever prepared. Trust me. 

Despite seafood’s ready availability and the exhaustive amounts of instruction that we, the public, have received from television chefs about the ease of cooking seafood at home, many people still find the task to be daunting. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. If you can rinse things, pour liquids and shake a bottle of seasoning, you will be able to successfully prepare an incredible seafood dinner to rave reviews. 

Amaze your guests with a Frogmore Stew experience.  Frogmore Stew is a tradition that hails from coastal South Carolina.  It is akin to the other seafood boils found throughout the country but is named after the Frogmore community in St. Helena Island.  Sometimes, this dish is called Beaufort Stew, as well.  The most important thing to remember in the preparation of Frogmore Stew, or any seafood “boil,” is that creating it is a process more so than a recipe.  You will only be limited by your palette and your imagination.   

To begin this dinner you will need a large, lidded stock pot.  Fill with about a quart of liquid (water, wine, beer or stock) in preparation of steaming your food. At this point, introduce flavorings into the steaming liquid because it will impart those flavors to the cooked food. Aromatic items such as citrus, onions or garlic are delicious additions. Through steaming, each ingredient will retain its own flavor without absorbing the flavors of the other ingredients.  This distinction is important to those, like me, who do not want the flavor of the ocean imbued in their corn, potatoes, or sausage.   Conversely, if you want the tastes of your ingredients to mingle with one another creating a unified flavor front, then boiling is the preferable method to achieve this effect.  The choice is yours.  Although I am writing about a steamed meal, you can create a boiled one just as easily. 

After your steaming liquid has come to a boil, add ingredients in the order of how much cooking time they need.  Obviously, those items that require the most time to be fully cooked should be added to the steamer first while those that need the least amount of cooking should be added towards the end of the cooking process.  Staggering the addition of ingredients will ensure that the most delicate seafood will be properly cooked and succulent.  Further, make sure to replace the lid on the pot after the addition of each layer. Potatoes and other root vegetables should be the first ones down.  Well-scrubbed, small red potatoes work especially well in this dish. After adding them, be sure to generously cover that layer with your seafood seasoning blend of choice. 

When the skins of the potatoes begin to fade to a less vibrant color, it is time to put your smoked sausage into the pot. Although it is already fully cooked, its drippings will flavor the steaming liquid without rendering the sausage water-logged. Even if the sausage is spicy, make sure to sprinkle this layer with more of your seasoning. You will add whole or half ears of corn to the pot next and liberally season this layer, as well. 

Now, all you have left to do is to add your seafood. Again, you will want to add these items with cooking times in mind.  Large crustaceans, such as lobster and crabs, should be added first to the pot and topped with seasoning. (To avoid an uprising, place these shellfish in the freezer for at least thirty minutes prior to adding them to the pot. This chilly rest will put them to sleep and make their demise more humane.) Medium and small hard-shelled shellfish should be added about five minutes into the cooking of the larger crustaceans.  It is now the time for crayfish, clams, mussels and the like.  Just remember to season after the addition and to recover with the lid.   

Finally, season the shrimp liberally in a bowl. During the last few minutes of cooking, top the pot with the shrimp and recover with the lid. Begin checking for doneness after three minutes.  When your shrimp are done, your dinner is done. To make this meal using the boiling method, simply begin by adding the potatoes to the pot. Layer the other ingredients into the pot in the order specified for steaming, remember to season each layer aggressively. After adding the shrimp, pour liquid into the pot to cover.  Bring to a rolling boil and cook until potatoes are easily penetrated with a fork. Make sure to supervise your pot to avoid boil-overs and adjust temperature as needed.  

Two dozen #1 crabs and two pounds jumbo shrimp (21-25 count)  yielded a generous dinner for eight and enough leftovers for gumbo the next day.

Pour the contents of the pot in to large serving bowls and present with accompaniments of hot sauce, lemon wedges, and cocktail sauce. Crusty bread and a green salad are welcome sides. Bon appétit!

The Craft of Cheese and Macaroni

It's the cheesiest!

It is rare in life that one gets it right on the first attempt. For instance, macaroni and cheese has been a dish that I have tried to master for years. In the past, I have played around with the dairy products in my recipe – milk, cream, sour cream. I have poured béchamel over pasta and then added cheese. I have made mock alfredo sauces that employed the use of cheddar but eliminated the need for flour. I have replaced the flour with corn starch; let ingredients sit out on the counter until they were all room-temperature; mixed my macaroni with egg à la pasta carbonara before adding the cheese sauce. I have played around with the doneness of the pasta and changed up the shape. (Orzo was particularly disappointing.) I have dedicated a great amount of time, thought and effort to the perfection of this dish.

Historically, I have conceded to the process yielding the macaroni and cheese that has blessed the tables of my family for generations. In recent years, my sister has dubbed this kind of macaroni and cheese “The Brick.” The Brick is baked macaroni and cheese made with a flour and milk béchamel sauce and lots of cheese. Sounds standard, right? Eggs are the ingredients that render this moniker befitting. Their addition is intended to work as a binder that will facilitate the unctuous creaminess that one desires in macaroni and cheese. The reality, however, is that the eggs coagulate during the baking process and constrict. As a result, the dish separates. The fat pools on the top (we all know the orange colored grease) and the pasta and cheese mixture is dense. Do not get me wrong, I eat the brick. I have even prepared the brick. It possesses an intense cheese flavor that is difficult to achieve but its problem is that it sacrifices texture and consistency.

As a child, I disliked macaroni and cheese. Actually, let me modify that statement: As a child, I disliked The Brick. It just so happens that I LOVED the blue box macaroni and cheese. I believe texture is much more important to a young palette than is flavor. And although that fluorescent orange, salty convenience food did not taste much like cheese, it had a smooth, milky texture. Now that I am an adult, I want to be gobsmacked by the essence of cheese. When cheese is in the name of the dish, cheese must be at the forefront. It cannot be a supporting player.

There must be supporting players, though. Too often, macaroni and cheese recipes promise bold, rich flavor but fail to deliver. Their blandness is unsatisfying. These recipes are flat and do not accentuate the complex nuances of the cheese and pasta. 

So, what I hoped to achieve from macaroni and cheese was chewy, toothsome pasta cloaked in a silky, cheesy sauce. I wanted it to convey the pungent, unadulterated quintessence of cheese. I was open to ingredients that would enhance the flavor but I was adamant that they made sense in this context. No chorizo or lobster in my mac ‘n’ cheese! Drawing from lessons learned from previous rendezvous with this dish, I experimented with the preparation of this comfort food classic and ended up creating the best macaroni and cheese ever. The recipe to my masterpiece is below.

Golden Brown and Delicious...

My Ultimate Macaroni and Cheese

**Note** Recipes, especially non-dessert-and-pastry recipes, are outlines for how to prepare a dish. Usually, if one follows the recipe to the letter, one should achieve optimal results. However, there is room for creativity. Remember, my recipes are based upon my personal tastes and preferences. If you find some of the ingredients are not to your liking, then, by all means, delete or substitute. But please know that your results may differ from mine. I encourage you to use full-fat dairy products, as I cannot vouch for the dish if you do not. Moreover, if you are prone to overcooking your pasta, I suggest using whole wheat pasta as I did. I find that it is more forgiving. Finally, I recommend using sharp, flavorful cheeses. Cheese tends to mellow when cooked and its intensity is subdued.

Ingredients:

            1 lb. ridged medium-sized pasta, such as jumbo macaroni or shells

            3 Tbsp. unsalted butter

            3 Tbsp. all-purpose flour

            ¼ tsp. freshly grated nutmeg

            ⅛ tsp. ground mustard

Cheesy nooks and crannies!

            ⅛ tsp. cayenne pepper

            2 12-oz. cans evaporated milk

2 oz. cream cheese

8 oz. Colby-Jack cheese, grated

8 oz. extra-sharp Cheddar cheese, grated

2 oz. Asiago cheese, grated

¼ tsp. freshly ground black pepper

Whole milk, to taste

Salt, to taste

2 Tbsp. bread crumbs (optional)


Bring 4 quarts of water to a boil in a large pot. Meanwhile, melt butter over medium-low heat in a large, heavy sauce pan. When the butter has melted, add flour and whisk to ensure that no lumps have formed. Cook flour and butter for about 3 minutes. Add nutmeg, mustard and cayenne. Cook for another minute. Continue to whisk while adding evaporated milk. Bring the sauce to a bubble, about 3 minutes. Add cream cheese and whisk until fully incorporated. Reduce temperature to low and whisk in cheeses. (Reserve 2 tablespoons of the cheese if you plan to bake the macaroni.) Add pepper and salt, if necessary. Keep warm over low heat, stirring occasionally.


Add salt and pasta to boiling water and cook until tender but firm, about 7 minutes. Drain pasta without shaking off excess liquid. Add to cheese sauce and stir to coat. If the sauce has thickened too much for your liking, add in some whole milk to loosen it. Adjust seasoning to taste. Serve piping hot!


If you desire baked macaroni and cheese, pour sauced pasta into an oven-safe casserole dish. Mix 2 tablespoons bread crumbs with reserved cheese. Sprinkle the mixture on top of the pasta. Bake in a 350˚ F oven until the top is golden brown, about 10 minutes.

If you had this plate, you would not even think about meat much less miss it!